Horrorthon {Mega Review}

So from Thursday until Monday I have been awash with blood, gore, vampire, midget secret agents, zombies, severed heads, melted crayon, giant killer rabbits, homicidal children, a homicidal penis, homicidal Vinnie Jones, creeps and the obligitory Saw movie. So here I am gonna run through the whole card (of what I saw which is minus 3 movies just cause I couldnt tear myself away from said midget secret agent nor the giant killer rabbits).

Quarantine
Remake of awesome Spanish horror [REC]. Its pretty much a carbon copy of the original though slightly more drawn out, especially in the opening. I'd say fuck this and see the original only cause it'll show those Hollywood fatcats that we dont mind watching films with people who speak crazy in them. Still Quarantine is pretty good and if you dont wanna see [REC], Quarantine is pretty much the same thing, though it does mean you're a racist.

Bad Biology
Two goofy steps to being a Troma classic, this film opens with the line "I was born with 9 clits" and contains the greatest rogue-penis-serial-sexing montage in the history of cinema. Doubtful you will ever see this in UGC next to the new Harry Potter shit-fest but if you ever get a chance you really should see it, great ridiculous fun.

The Funhouse
Tobe Hooper's follow up to The Texas Chainsaw Massacre is a similar sort of thing, where freakish carnies stalk a bunch of sexed-up teens around a funhouse (or ghost train) after they witness the deformed young lad murder a fortune teller after she overcharges him for a handjob. Not bad but a little slow.

Evil Dead 2
Well I assume you were ALL there for this one. A fucking classic suckas.

Saw V
Contrary to some people insisting I do, I'm not a huge fan of the Saw franchise. Dont get me wrong, I like how this generation finally has a horror franchise, with a the 80s kids and their Jason and Freddy movies, its nice that we get a long series of ridiculous horror films. The first one is ok and the third one is hilarious but number 4 left me wondering who the fuck all these characters are but thankfully 5 clarifies this. 5 is pretty fun, WAY more coherent than 4 but it lacks a truly over-the-top scene of 3's brain surgary proportions. Still and all, I like 5, its simple Saw fun that needs a little more gore outrageousness.

Mindflesh
If you ever hear someone saying want to see this, saying they've seen it and like or selling it for people to see it, I want you to punch them (and if possible their whole family) square in the jaw. Its long, pointless and boring and thats only the opening credits (zing!). This'll never get a general cinema release and with good cause. More annoying than getting punched in the balls by a man with no balls.

Timecrimes
Time travel is always fun if a tad confusing and this film is both those. At one point Timecrimes was my top film of the Horrorthon. Its a great Spanish film about a dude who gets mixed up in the crazy world of time travel and attempting to fix a mess that results in three of him. Back To The Future this aint but its got nice twists and fun ideas. Trust me, the title sounds better in Spanish.

Night of The Lepus
Giant killer rabbits stampede (oh how they contantly stampede) around killing people, burrowing holes and look just adorable. Its a strange film as it doesnt have its tongue in its cheek nor is it particularly funny for a ridiculous point of view. Aside from the initial hilarity of the menancing rabbits mauling people and the odd scene of prop paws clawing through walls and faces, its not that fun anymore.

Day 2 will come tomorrow since I'm in work for Christ's sake.

Fringe {Mega Review}

I'm willing to give anything, with J.J Abrams name attached, a chance. Mission Impossible 3? Excellently great action. Cloverfield? Crazy fun. Lost? Started great, but now has gotten lost in a maze of gibberish and painted itself into the corner of dull characters. With that in mind, here is Fringe. The newest show from the chocoloate factory-like brain of Abrams, this sadly though, is the fizzy lifting drink of the Abrams mind-cannon.

The idea here is a FBI agent, a child prodigy (although he has yet to show any signs of being a genius except his tendency to be a real cunt to his father) and his mental patient ("I just pissed myself") father who happens to be heralded as the next Einstein without the charm. So these three humourless blobs of boredom join together and help fight bizarre and paranormal crimes. So far, so X-Files. But remember the X-Files had a buffet of interesting and fun characters the problem which faces Fringe is that