Horrorthon {Mega Review}

So from Thursday until Monday I have been awash with blood, gore, vampire, midget secret agents, zombies, severed heads, melted crayon, giant killer rabbits, homicidal children, a homicidal penis, homicidal Vinnie Jones, creeps and the obligitory Saw movie. So here I am gonna run through the whole card (of what I saw which is minus 3 movies just cause I couldnt tear myself away from said midget secret agent nor the giant killer rabbits).

Quarantine
Remake of awesome Spanish horror [REC]. Its pretty much a carbon copy of the original though slightly more drawn out, especially in the opening. I'd say fuck this and see the original only cause it'll show those Hollywood fatcats that we dont mind watching films with people who speak crazy in them. Still Quarantine is pretty good and if you dont wanna see [REC], Quarantine is pretty much the same thing, though it does mean you're a racist.

Bad Biology
Two goofy steps to being a Troma classic, this film opens with the line "I was born with 9 clits" and contains the greatest rogue-penis-serial-sexing montage in the history of cinema. Doubtful you will ever see this in UGC next to the new Harry Potter shit-fest but if you ever get a chance you really should see it, great ridiculous fun.

The Funhouse
Tobe Hooper's follow up to The Texas Chainsaw Massacre is a similar sort of thing, where freakish carnies stalk a bunch of sexed-up teens around a funhouse (or ghost train) after they witness the deformed young lad murder a fortune teller after she overcharges him for a handjob. Not bad but a little slow.

Evil Dead 2
Well I assume you were ALL there for this one. A fucking classic suckas.

Saw V
Contrary to some people insisting I do, I'm not a huge fan of the Saw franchise. Dont get me wrong, I like how this generation finally has a horror franchise, with a the 80s kids and their Jason and Freddy movies, its nice that we get a long series of ridiculous horror films. The first one is ok and the third one is hilarious but number 4 left me wondering who the fuck all these characters are but thankfully 5 clarifies this. 5 is pretty fun, WAY more coherent than 4 but it lacks a truly over-the-top scene of 3's brain surgary proportions. Still and all, I like 5, its simple Saw fun that needs a little more gore outrageousness.

Mindflesh
If you ever hear someone saying want to see this, saying they've seen it and like or selling it for people to see it, I want you to punch them (and if possible their whole family) square in the jaw. Its long, pointless and boring and thats only the opening credits (zing!). This'll never get a general cinema release and with good cause. More annoying than getting punched in the balls by a man with no balls.

Timecrimes
Time travel is always fun if a tad confusing and this film is both those. At one point Timecrimes was my top film of the Horrorthon. Its a great Spanish film about a dude who gets mixed up in the crazy world of time travel and attempting to fix a mess that results in three of him. Back To The Future this aint but its got nice twists and fun ideas. Trust me, the title sounds better in Spanish.

Night of The Lepus
Giant killer rabbits stampede (oh how they contantly stampede) around killing people, burrowing holes and look just adorable. Its a strange film as it doesnt have its tongue in its cheek nor is it particularly funny for a ridiculous point of view. Aside from the initial hilarity of the menancing rabbits mauling people and the odd scene of prop paws clawing through walls and faces, its not that fun anymore.

Day 2 will come tomorrow since I'm in work for Christ's sake.

Fringe {Mega Review}

I'm willing to give anything, with J.J Abrams name attached, a chance. Mission Impossible 3? Excellently great action. Cloverfield? Crazy fun. Lost? Started great, but now has gotten lost in a maze of gibberish and painted itself into the corner of dull characters. With that in mind, here is Fringe. The newest show from the chocoloate factory-like brain of Abrams, this sadly though, is the fizzy lifting drink of the Abrams mind-cannon.

The idea here is a FBI agent, a child prodigy (although he has yet to show any signs of being a genius except his tendency to be a real cunt to his father) and his mental patient ("I just pissed myself") father who happens to be heralded as the next Einstein without the charm. So these three humourless blobs of boredom join together and help fight bizarre and paranormal crimes. So far, so X-Files. But remember the X-Files had a buffet of interesting and fun characters the problem which faces Fringe is that

Drive {Mega-Review}

Think about Rush Hour....now imagine a Rush Hour with a prettier, younger, less asian man...some like this...(right)

Thats right, Mark "The Man" Dacascos.


Now if you will, imagine no shrill, unfunny, irritating Chris Tucker but instead this man (left). Thats right, the guy from White Men Cant Jump.

Sound pretty good huh? Well try adding in:

1. Chainsaws

2. Hottie MacHot Hot (otherwise known as Brittney Murphy)

3. Karaoke

4. The best fight over sunglasses since They Live.

5. "Cheese-eatin' dick monkey!"

6. Walter The Einstein Frog

The story is set in a alternative universe where if someone is kicked, whether it be by martial arts expert or wise-crackin' barfly, it sends them hurtling through the air and into something large and painful. Dacasco is being hunted down by none other than Joseph Yoshinobu Takagi, thats right Mr. Nakatomi from Die Hard!! I feel a little less sympathetic towards him having his face shot off by Alan Rickman.
In any case, Dacasco proceeds to kick and punch his way through thousands of (seemingly unknock-outable) grunts on his way to LA to sell some kinda doohickey lodged in his chest that makes him super-brilliant. Along the way his picks up that dude from White Men Can't Jump who quips his way through every mess they get into and does he ever quip like a pro! I mean this movie has very very cool action and unlike movies like...oh I dunno THE MATRIX, it manages to fill in the gaps between the violence with some witty banter not boring exposition about stuff I couldnt give a fuck about.

Oh and before I leave you to seek out this film and have your balls melt over how awesome it is, I must mention the completely batshit crazy bad guy who is hired (initially) to kill Dacasco. Not only is every line he says pure nonsensical gold but he even has time to make some social commentary about the southern man's treatment towards the black man. Eat that Lynard Skynard.

Opening

So...I'm a sexy motherfucker.

OK, I'm not ugly.

No, no I'm fucking not. But there are some questions to be asked when you look upon the last two years of my barren wasteland of a lovelife. It has been so long since my last relationship and well lets not talk too much about boob-touchage precentages (last time I studied by graph it contained some alarming results). So action needs to be taken, hot, sweaty action! Thusly I am taking the fight to the streets, literally and figurativally (more the latter). I am putting together a series of plans, each more fiendish than the last, from online dating to speed dating to well....this is my first blog so back the fuck up.

On here I hope to throw out regular updates on my progress and how close I am getting to that, which has eluded me for so long, someone to listen to why Clerks is the greatest film in the universe and why wrestling isnt gay, without finally calling me a gaylord (oh and regular sexiful fantastico).

So, PLAN A;

The Internet Dateage

I've started a new profile on a respectable online dating website. I say respectable and I do believe respectable despite it allowing me to search solely for "sex partners". But thats fine, I mean this is not where I'm going with the project and besides is there any girl...seriously, who would hook up with a dude ONLINE just for sex. Women could bone anyone at anytime. It is that power every woman has over a guy who is just desperate to put his penis into something, anything. But anyway I've started my profile. I've kept it witty and light. Its tricky not to let yourself come off as a egotistical dick-face when writing these things out but I think I got a nice mix going on. Only one problem, my profile photo. Now this is a tough one, I mean I've scrawled through oceans of bebo photos looking for something fun but not too fuck-ass like. Amidst the (albeit hilarious) vomit soaked photos of me, I found one which sorta kinda fit the bill. Me, sitting up against a wall, having awoke from a drunken slumber on someone's floor, giving the devil's horns and looking a litte rough around the edges. I'm going with it! Fuck it! So they see the real me, not some polished up fake piece of shit a lot of these people bandy about on this site to look pretty. Pretty, frankly, is overrated.

OK so, profile finished, in Homer's words, now we play the waiting game........